Making Crap Up: “6 Shockingly Evil Things About Hank Green”

(Ed. Note: This is part of a series in which I put a name in the Linkbait Generator and write on whatever comes out. As usual, a word of caution that what you are about to read is almost entirely untrue.)

(Also, a reminder that we’ve got the live show with birthday girl Danielle Gold, Cialina Ngo, and I on Ustream at 8:30.)

Hank Green of the VlogBrothers is quite a guy – intelligent, tech-savvy, and an advocate for Internet musicians, which I consider pretty damn important. So he’s probably a nice guy, right?

WRONG! Here are six devious parts of Hank Green’s past:

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Making Crap Up: “10 Common Misconceptions About Carson Daly”

(Ed. Note: This is the fifth post in a continuing series, powered by the Linkbait Generator, I put a real person, thing, or group of persons or things into the Generator, see what ridiculous title comes out, and write a story with as few shreds of truth about it. As always, a disclaimer that very, very little (if any) of this story is true.)

Oh, Carson Daly. He was culturally relevant for a few years as host of TRL, then took a late-late-late night gig on NBC and went into obscurity. Even when Conan and Jay were in total turmoil, while Jimmy Fallon took a vow of neutrality, Carson was cast aside and totally unheard of. As a result, people remember a few things about Carson Daly that just plain aren’t true. Like:

  • Carson Daly is actually Geoff Peterson of The Late Late Show with a special skin-suit.
  • The people outside the TRL studios were real; in reality, they were incredibly lifelike blow-up dolls.
  • Last Call with Carson Daly, much like Belgium, doesn’t exist. (This one’s a real misconception; Last Call is still on the air.)
  • Total Request Live was actually live. (Also true: it was almost always taped.)
  • While hosting NBC’s coverage of New Year’s Eve, Carson’s resolution each year was “to get an earlier time slot.”
  • Carson was named after Johnny Carson, but unfortunately has never risen to that level of success.
  • However, unlike Carnac the Great, Carson Daly knew exactly what was in the envelopes.
  • Carson, a big Star Trek fan, owns three tribbles.
  • Carson is still best friends with the members of O-Town.
  • Carson’s offices at NBC consist of a broom closet and an unplugged fax machine.

Making Crap Up: “5 ultra-secret government projects involving ‘Back to the Future'”

Great Scott!

(Ed. Note: This is the fourth post in a continuing series, powered by the Linkbait Generator, I put a real person, thing, or group of persons or things into the Generator, see what ridiculous title comes out, and write a story with as few shreds of truth about it. As always, a disclaimer that very, very little (if any) of this story is true.)

Twenty-five years and almost two months ago, the first Back to the Future film was released. While it wasn’t the first film to use time travel as a major part of the plot, it – and its two sequels – became a film for the ages, and one of the greatest film series of all time. With a budget of only $19 million, it made more than $380 million at the box office.

So it’s no wonder that the film would have led to government products, such as:

  • The thick metallic sunglasses that Doc Brown wears led to a similar creation, but as a thinner version of welder’s goggles.
  • Dr. Fusion, an addition to the DeLorean at the end of the first movie, was part of a government plan for a fusion plant that could create its own energy – which was scrapped when Dick Cheney became Vice President and gave the oil and coal companies control of the Energy Department.
  • Inspired by World Series results in 2015 in Back to the Future Part II, a government project was formed to get the Cubs to finally win the World Series; it had been a massive failure which after much consternation was killed off by Illinoisan (and White Sox fan) Barack Obama in March of 2010, meaning the Cubs will have to suck on their own.
  • Of course, time travel has always been a project of DARPA’s. They just haven’t gotten that flux capacitor right, or the ability to attain 1.21 gigawatts.
  • And the hoverboard. Seriously. You just know that stuff’s real.

Making Crap Up: “8 Myths About Bananas that Hollywood Wants You to Believe”

(Disclaimer: As usual, most – if not all – of the information in this story is totally made up.)

Hollywood likes to make crap up as much as I do, possibly moreso. From hoverboards to 50-foot tall women, the movies will make you believe anything. These films have even contaminated people’s ideas about bananas. For examples…

Continue reading

The Tales of Poncho Villa: “Los Inmortales”

The poncho that started it all.

This is a series of science fiction short stories, influenced by the FOX series The X-Files (the presence of aliens – in fact, Agent Vin Scully Gibson is inspired by Agent Dana Scully, even though he’s the exact opposite, and is much more like Fox Mulder) and New Amsterdam (an immortal who solves crimes), with the imagery of the Southwest (which I’ve always been fond of) thrown in.

But the series was actually inspired by an honor society induction ceremony.

You see, this year, I played Robin the Boy Wonder in a Batman parody film. The last day featured a scene in which I was to wear a poncho (in actuality, a blanket of mine, which my mother sewed a hole in for the head) and a sombrero (my friend Kimberly, who was co-director). I left the poncho (and incidentally my lunchbox) at Kim’s house that day, and she gave it to me the next day.

I decided to wear the poncho, as it was a blustery spring day, on the Queens College campus, during Baskin-Robbins’ 31-Cent Scoop Night, and for the induction ceremony for the New York State Science Honor Society, earning compliments and a chuckle from my sophomore-year chemistry (and senior-year forensics elective) teacher Mr. Porzio (who we last saw deriding House). I remarked that there should be a superhero who wore a poncho.

Enter this story, the origin of a superhero: the myth they call Poncho Villa (not Pancho Villa, the man who escaped Gen. Pershing). Enjoy after the jump. Continue reading

Making Crap Up:“6 Bits of Francisco Rodriguez Advice that Will Land You in Prison”

(Ed. Note: This is a weekly story in which I put a real person, thing, or group of persons or things into the Linkbait Generator, see what ridiculous title comes out, and write a story with as few shreds of truth about it. A disclaimer that very, very little (if any) of this story is true.)

Francisco Rodriguez has a penchant for walking on the wild side. Virtually every time “K-Rod” enters the game, he tiptoes on a dental-floss-thin high-wire. But prison?

Apparently so, yes, prison. Here’s 6 things K-Rod does in his life that may end you up in the big house: Continue reading

Making Crap Up: “Tony Hayward and the Occult”

(Ed. Note: This is hopefully the start of a weekly story in which I put a real person into the Linkbait Generator, see what ridiculous title comes out, and write a story with as few shreds of truth about it. A disclaimer that very, very little of this story is true.)

Deep down, Tony Hayward didn’t really like boats.

Sure, he was able to use boating as an excuse to get out of a sister’s birthday party here, a baby shower there, the largest oil spill in North American history every once in a while. But he never got a huge thrill from boating, confirmed that one night on the yacht in the Atlantic Ocean.

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Friday’s Link Slurry

Back from a one-week hiatus, here’s the best of the week from across the Internets, the Friday Link Slurry:

More fun after the jump! Continue reading