What do you think you’re doing, diet soda? You’re like good ol’ soda, but you’re infintely worse! Like a bag that’s labeled “DELICIOUS CANDY” but is full of rabid skunks. You masquerade in the sturdy can or bottle of a good, American soda and then punch me right in the heart with your excess carbonation and terrible aftertaste. Nobody likes to talk about it, but you coat my mouth terribly whenever I attempt to drink you. That’s a sinister thing to do.
You know who’s the worst? Diet Dr. Pepper. At least Diet Coke isn’t outright lying about the fact that they taste like burned eggplants smell. You’re trying to say “look at me! I’m good to drink, and taste just like your fun times friend, the Doc!” No you don’t, Diet Dr. Pepper. You’re worse than a war criminal, and consumer dollar is the Hague. I say you’re guilty of crimes against taste, and sentence you to a stern shake of the head and judgmental glare.