Stuff I Dislike: Phillies “Phans”

I was unable to publish (or, for that matter, write) this last night, so I am writing a special Tuesday Wednesday Afternoon Stuff I Dislike. Wednesday Top 5 will be seen next week, same Bat-time, same Bat-channel.

The Philadelphia Sports Fan (Philadelphius fanaticus) is, to say the least, a very odd bird. They are known for, among other things, thinking Ron Jaworski is the Son of God (although, like Donovan McNabb, he never won a Super Bowl), thinking of Bobby Clarke as a great hockey player (he was really more of a world-class dancing bear), and above all, embracing total thugs as sports legends (their claim to fame is a freakin’ fictional boxer, for goodness sake). P. fanaticus is also known for their stringent belief that the lack of success in winning sports championships for the past twenty years came from the overshadowing of a statue of William Penn and booing Santa Claus, who arrives to the oxymoronic City of Brotherly Love drunk and throwing batteries.

The Philadelphia Phillies fan (P. fanaticus phillia, not to be confused with P. phanaticus phillia, a bizarre green animal with a long tongue, supposedly from the Galapagos Islands) is the most brash of them all. For one thing, they have no sense of their species’ history; all of the kind subscribe to the last two years of their culture (powder blue and maroon jerseys with Shane Victorino’s name on the back? Seriously?!). For another, they engage in countless fights (both in and out of their own habitat, Citizens Bank Park, which is in a barren area devoid of other life beyond P. fanaticus), they maintain a constant inferiority complex (largely with their rival species, Novayorkus metropolitus) and they have a unique spelling pattern, replacing all words starting with ‘f’ with a ‘ph’ (such as in their vulgar T-shirts proclaiming their supremacy, World Ph’ing Champions…now that’s class). In the end, they are probably the strangest of the Sports Fan phylum – brash, vulgar, and cerebrally dense.

A roundup of other things I dislike:

  • Bandwagon Yankees fans. While I have the utmost respect for Yankees fans who have fervently followed their team for the past two decades and beyond (having to suffer during the first half of the ’90s is something both Yankees and Mets fans have had to endure), I can’t stand fans who have joined the ranks of Yankees fans in the past decade – just in time for the championships of ’96, ’98, ’99, ’00, and ’09 – and thus have developed a sense of arrogance and entitlement. Guess what, folks – the Yankees have not won 27 world titles in the past 50 years – they’ve won seven (the other twenty came before the days of free agency and when the game was incredibly different).
  • As I always say to my brother, “All Red Sox fans do at Fenway is get drunk and sing “Sweet Caroline” five times a night.”
  • Jerry Manuel’s press conferences have this Zen-like quality to them…I can’t say I like them, because I’m not a fan of the Manuel regime, but I must say, they are hilarious…
    And this one is just ridiculous…

Join us for next week’s edition of Tuesday Afternoon Stuf f I Dislike (hopefully on a Tuesday), where I discuss my distaste for hipsters.


One thought on “Stuff I Dislike: Phillies “Phans”

  1. th0ugh I have other opinion 0n s0me little details I give you props for a nicely written article. Keep up the very nice work. s0rry f0r my p0or english, Its n0n my usual language

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